According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Someone signed my nipple.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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