mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
