i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
