Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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