How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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