oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
