I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
