Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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