I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
