Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
