Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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