Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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