i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
