saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
