i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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