Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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