smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize