I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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