you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
