Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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