How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
