tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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