Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
where am i from again
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
the day after is always just damage control
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
