i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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