im drinking this country out of the recession.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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