Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
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