That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
