my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
