dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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