The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
