dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
