By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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