Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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