Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
