So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
