babies were throwing up all over the place
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Randomize
