the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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