it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
