she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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