No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Randomize
