my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
