you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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