Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Boobs are out for the taking
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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