You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
