First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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