Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
