I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
