does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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