also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Randomize
