Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Less talking, more tequila
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
