then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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