I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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