im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Randomize
