You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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