Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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