I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
